Relationships and Kink: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Content Warning: This post contains adult themes and is for adult audiences only. This post contains discussion of kink and the kinky community, polyamory, sex, mental health and self-loathing, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, US politics, abduction nightmares, abduction fantasies, and my childhood. Specific kinks discussed include: bondage, power dynamics, impact play, marks, sadomasochism, age regression, pet play, breeding, titles and protocol, praise, and rituals.

Before my egg crackeda term that many transgender people use to describe the moment that they realized they were transgender, I hadn’t been in any intimate relationships. Honestly, they felt wrong and scared me a little. I also had crushing self-confidence issues when it came to dating or seeing myself in any relationship. I had issues with my body and, though I didn’t really know it at the time, issues with being in my assigned gender role in a relationship. I’d tell myself things like:

(cw: negative self-talk)

Why would anyone want to be with me, especially if I don’t like myself?

What even is the point of a relationship?

People will just see me as a creep if I try to flirt.

They deserve better than me, it would be a disservice to even try to pursue a relationship.

Written out, it seems obvious that those are very pessimistic and negative things to tell myself, but of course, internal thoughts and feelings are rarely so coherent and well organized. They are often vague feelings that are hard to reason about let alone reason with.

When my egg finally cracked in late 2021/early 2022, and I began to be comfortable with who I was, I also started seeing myself in relationships and having the confidence and desire to pursue relationships. I started actually seeing myself as worthy of love.

But even back then — before my egg cracked even — I did know a few things: I am polyamorousa term meaning I have multiple loving relationships, a form of ethical non-monogamy and kinkya term meaning I enjoy many forms of intimate physical activity beyond sex.

I knew I was likely polyamorous when I started reading Franklin Veaux’s answers on Quora about polyamory back sometime between 2012 and 2014. I suppose I probably knew earlier, but it was his writing that caused it to finally click in my head. Somehow I totally missed that he wrote a whole book on the subject, at least at the time.

I knew I was kinky from a much younger age.
(cw: kink, rope, abduction)
I started playing with rope as a teenager, and fantasized about being tied up or perhaps even abducted. I remember a recurring dream/nightmare from childhood (like maybe as young as 8 and lasting through mid-teens): I was abducted and taken somewhere where my clothes were dissolved off of my body, and in some versions, I was tied up. There wasn’t pain, but definitely embarrassment and submission.
But it wasn’t really bad, but exciting in a way? In some versions of this dream, my
(cw: explicit)
genitals were dissolved off as well
— I guess this may have been an early sign that I was trans since I actually ended up wanting this in my dreams? It’s been so long since I’ve had this dream that a lot of it is fuzzy.
(cw: kink)
I even fantasized about being abducted and used as a sex slave when I went off to college.

My first relationship started shortly after my egg cracked. I wasn’t ready yet, but she pursued me and I eventually gave in. I fell in love and I learned a lot about relationships rather quickly. She wanted monogamy and I was fine with that at the time because I was still struggling with the self-confidence issues —
(cw: negative self-talk)
why not monogamy? It’s not like anyone else would be interested, anyway
. But things ended up not working out because we wanted different things, had different core beliefs, and were in different stages of our lives. She wanted a “normal” relationship that followed the traditional relationship escalator ending with a family and possibly kids. I didn’t want those things.

Communication in a relationship is so very important. It is important to be able to openly and freely communicate — to understand and be understood with compassion and empathy. Without that safe space to communicate, ultimately people become fearful of ridicule or outrage or dismissiveness or other forms of hurt and toxicity and stop sharing what is important to them. Without that sharing, the intimacy of the relationship dies and people lose trust in each other. After all, what is a relationship without trust and intimacy? Pretty miserable, if you ask me.

Without trust and intimacy, people often resort to toxicity or resentment because they no longer have empathy for their partner. I think this is why toxicity and resentment are such a common trope in relationships, especially long-standing ones where one or both of the people are just together because it’s easier to maintain the status quo than to risk the unknown and hurt and pain of making a change — even when the status quo is hurt and pain.

and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.
Jefferson, T. (1776). US Declaration of Independence

The communication I had with my ex broke down because I began to fear her reactions to my sharing which ultimately led to the end of our relationship.

(section cw: specific kinks)

One thing I explored with my ex and continue to explore with my current partners is kink.

I have found that I enjoy (negotiated) power dynamicswhere one partner intentionally surrenders power, control, or authority to another in a scene or otherwise. I like submission. There’s something powerful in handing control over to someone else. Being able to just exist and focus only on doing what I’m told. Not having to think, not having to plan. Not having to solve problems. Doing things solely because my partner told me to.

Subspacethe mental state I enter when being actively submissive is rather interesting and addictive. It is a state of total trust in my dominant partner and a belief that their desires and judgment are infallible. This is some form of suspension of disbelief in some way, and release of my own ego. I still have somewhere in my mind my own judgment and if there is something very wrong or dangerous, I can certainly safe worda negotiated word or phrase to mean 'stop, something is wrong' with what is going on out of it, but otherwise that part of me just goes quiet and stops trying to make decisions, and a large part of me believes that my dominant partner is always right. It simplifies so very much. It doesn’t matter if we disagree — I’m wrong, and they’re right. And there’s beauty and freedom in that. Freedom to just exist without the shades of gray and uncertainty of normal life. They tell me what to do, and if I do it, they praise me and I know I did good, and if I disobey, I know I did not do good. In this state, I derive pleasure from knowing that I exist to serve my dominant partner and nothing else matters. I derive pleasure from knowing I am useful and that they are pleased with my service.

In the beginning, I thought that I was strictly submissive, but I also enjoy being dominant with some of my partners. I find that this manifests more in a caregiver mentality for me. Caring for my partners and causing them joy is fulfilling for me. In a submissive role, this easily translates to doing what I’m told, but in a more dominant role, this is a bit more nuanced. It tends to be more focused around making my partner do things that either directly cause them joy or things that are good for them that they wouldn’t otherwise do on their own. In both of my current dynamics where I am dominant, I have a more direct caregiver role, too: Owner of my pet and Mommy to my little girl.

I’ve also found that I enjoy bondagebeing tied up or restrained by my partner, being unable to move freely. I touched on it earlier, but it was one of the first kinks I was into. My favorite form of bondage is rope and all of the fascinating ways it can be used to tie someone up — it can be beautiful and intricate when done well, and being able to solve squirming or feistiness easily is alluring. On the other hand, I love being tied up myself. I like to be able to struggle and feel just how powerless I am. Not just unwilling to fight what is happening to me, but unable — that feeling of helplessness is intoxicating.

I enjoy pain and impact playspankings, paddling, flogging, whips, etc. I like pain. It drowns out all else. There is nothing else except the intense need to scream. It’s such an adrenaline rush. But the pain isn’t all. Bruises are such wonderful marks and reminders. They come in so many pretty colors and develop and change over time. And there are so many different kinds of pain and marks — the thuddy pain and raised welts of a paddle, the blindingly intense searing pain and lines of a switch or whip, the sharp pain and red lines of fingernails, the primal pain and wonderful shape of biting, and so, so many more. I like giving pain as well. There’s something visceral and empowering about knowing that I can cause pain — that they want me to hurt them — and seeing the results of my ministrations on their skin for days afterward — like evolving art on the canvas that is their body.

I enjoy age regressionbeing treated like a child/baby, doing 'childish' things, innocence, embracing your inner child; 'little' typically refers to someone who is age regressed as a young child, 'middle' typically refers to someone a bit older who needs less supervision, and 'Big' typically refers to someone who is not age regressed interacting in a caregiver role with people who are age regressed. There’s something special about being able to embrace my inner child and let her out to play and not have to worry about grown-up things — at least for a bit. For me, when I’m in littlespace — the mental state I get into when I am letting my child self out — I’m mostly nonsexual and rather innocent. I enjoy doing activities traditionally labeled childish: coloring, blanket forts, snacks, arts and crafts, watching children’s movies and television shows, etc. I also don’t mind being dismissed, belittled, or teased while in this state — of course I’m too little to understand that.

I’ve also found out that I enjoy praise a lot. I love to be told that I’m appreciated, that I’m good, and other forms of praise in general. I also love showering my partners with praise because they’re cute and adorable and amazing and wonderful and really deserve it.

(section cw: kink community)

I started exploring my local kink community in the second half of 2023. It started by going to a fetish party with my (then-)ex which was more of a kink convention than anything. There were vendors, panels and sessions, lots of outfits, light play, and so on. It was a lot of fun, and quite overwhelming — there was so much to see and do. I spent a decent amount of time in the littles area with other littles and tons of nice sensory things — it was wonderful to get away from some of the noise and chaos from the rest of the convention. I ended up coloring and talking and making friends in the littles area. I also got invited to a few of the Discord groups for age regressors.

I ended up talking with people in one of those Discord groups and got invited to a littles crafting/party event for Christmas. I went and had an amazing time — I met so many new friends. Since then, I’ve been to so many events that it’s hard to keep track of. I’ve been to several sloshes and munchesa gathering of kinky people in a relatively non-kinky place like a bar or restaurant so that people can talk and get to know each other without the pressure of a kinky environment, a play partya party where consensual play is allowed/encouraged -- play refers to engaging in kinky activities, a camping trip, crafting parties, bowling, picnics, birthday parties, club parties, board games, a photo shoot, karaoke, instructional events, the zoo, and so much more.

I’ve met so many wonderful people — I originally met my best friend at a slosh and met one of my partners on the camping trip. Plus, I play chess regularly with a girl I met at one of these conventions. This has been such a fulfilling and wonderful community that I’ve gotten involved with. The organizers have all done a wonderful job ensuring the events are enjoyable and safe.

(section cw: kink titles, use of 'Master' and 'slave' in a kink context)

As of the writing of this post, I currently have three partners who I love dearly. I’ll use kink titles here to protect their anonymity: My Master, My pet, and My little girl.

I met my Master long ago, but we started dating in the middle of 2023. Our relationship is very long-distance and that aspect has been hard for me. I tend to need regular communication and desire regular in-person contact. There also have been complications involving his other partner that have made him less available than I would otherwise like, but we’re making it work. We try to do a voice call for at least a little bit at bedtime every day, and that has been really helpful for me. We typically talk about our day, what we’ve done, and I often talk about my feelings during these calls. We also use the voice call to perform a nighttime ritual in our dynamic.

Master and I are in a power dynamic. I am his submissive and he is my dominant — more specifically, I am his slave and he is my Master. I asked him for this dynamic pretty early on in our relationship. I defer to his wishes and desires when he expresses them. I do what he tells me to do, and I don’t do the things he tells me not to do.

I call him Master and he calls me kitten, words that are so very meaningful to me, and come so naturally, too. It is actually clunky for me when I have to call him anything other than Master, like when I am not in a kink-friendly environment. And when he calls me kitten, that is just as much my name as Naomi is — it feels right, it feels like me.

I have rules to follow in this dynamic — most of which I actually proposed and then we agreed upon. A majority of my rules are to help me conquer bad habits or to achieve personal goals. I have rules around morning and night-time routines (something I struggled with until he made them rules, and now I don’t struggle with them at all), rules around chores, food consumption, impulse spending, and bedtime. I also have rules around denial. These rules have vastly improved my life, and I am so happy and thankful.

I send Master a log of all of the food I eat and count calories for my own diet and weight loss goals. This has been very helpful to me as I was never able to count calories or keep a food log before — I tried on several different occasions. I also send him pictures of receipts which has been helpful in actually keeping track of them — I used to just throw them away and then if I ever needed them, I was out of luck.

I also have mantras that I say as part of my bedtime ritual. This is usually the last thing I do before getting in bed and it has helped both to help keep me in subspace as well as providing a reliable wind-down so my body and mind are ready to sleep when I get in bed. It’s nice to have regularity and reliability to hold on to in an otherwise busy and chaotic life.

I trust him wholly. Our skill sets complement each other well. It is so nice to be able to take something that I struggle with and offer it to him to own and control. And if he takes it, then I no longer have to worry about it or stress about it. I know he’s dealing with it and if he needs something from me, he’ll simply command me and I’ll obey.

One thing I’ve turned over to him is my task list that he manages and puts deadlines on chores and other things I need to do. I’ve used task lists for myself before — and I use them rather successfully at work — but for personal tasks, I tend to see them as “do at some point” and then “well that can wait another week” and then “oh, everything here is so old, may as well throw it out and start again.” When he puts a deadline on a task, it’s suddenly important to me. I do not like missing deadlines he gives me because it makes me feel like I am failing to obey him — which is exactly what I am doing — and I don’t like that at all.

(section cw: kink titles)

I met my pet on a dating app and we went on our first date near the end of 2023. We had a few virtual dates over the holidays and decided we were in a relationship in the middle of January 2024. It was actually our second in-person date that turned into a late-night dinner, and then talking all night long, and then a bit of play, too.

My pet taught me that I was not just submissive but also enjoyed being dominant. They’re so very submissive and bring out the dominant energy in me. I hadn’t ever really considered myself a dominant person before — someone that someone might submit to — but the way that they react to me being dominant is so alluring, so intoxicating, so very precious and it gives me drive, gives me desire to be dominant. And I find that power delicious. I’m drawn to it. It comes so naturally.

I was a bit apprehensive at first. Would I continue to enjoy this power? Would I be able to be the dominant partner in this dynamic and be happy long term? Was I sure I wasn’t just pretending to be able to be dominant? But those fears were rather quickly put to rest. The answer to all of those is very much yes. I do enjoy the power and I’ve quite enjoyed it long-term.

My pet also taught me that I have a sadistic side. I have found that I love leaving marks on them.

I also love pet play — putting a collar and leash on my pet and leading them around, rough play on all fours, and so on.

(cw: dysphoria, genitals, explicit)
My pet taught me that I can enjoy topping in some circumstances. I had never been comfortable with topping (penetrating) with my genitals. In fact it is generally a large source of dysphoria for me. However, my pet has a breeding kink and being fucked is a part of that and the part of that we’ve explored so far has been around me humping them. I’d originally offered to use a strap-on with them, but that hasn’t happened yet. There have been a few times, though, where I’ve been in a really good headspace, and somehow hard enough that it might work, and offered in the moment to try. We’ve not actually done it, but I’m pretty sure in the right circumstances, I’d be fine with it or even like it.

(section cw: kink titles, age regression play, diapers)

I met my little girl in the middle of August 2024 on a littles camping trip. I liked her from the moment I met her and throughout camp we chatted several times. About halfway through camp, I asked her if she’d like head pats while we played board games, and head pats turned into cuddles. The next day, I ended up taking care of her when tubing, and we ended up showering together because there were only a few showers and lots of littles wanting to freshen up after the tubing trip. She asked me out on a date after we all got back from the camping trip, and I, of course, said yes.

We went on several amazing dates over the next couple of months. She has a wonderful dog named Clover, and unfortunately, I have contact allergies with her, so we ended up having most of our dates over at her place so that she wouldn’t have to board Clover and because I was nervous about having Clover in my house and on my furniture.

During our dates, we discussed so many different things — plans, likes, desires, our kink dynamic, among others — and while we have our differences, we mesh so very well. I love taking care of her and encouraging her little side.

She invited me and I went with her to a meet-up with some of her little friends from CAPCon in Indianapolis at the beginning of November 2024. We both had a wonderful time and quite enjoyed hanging out with other littles while we were there.

There were issues with the flight back and I ended up driving her home in a rental car instead of flying back, so we got a chance to talk about a lot of things. We ended up talking about living together and what that might look like in the future — like maybe as early as January 2025 — how that would work with Clover, how that would work with my other partners, how finances and such might work long-term, etc.

A few days after we got back from the trip,
(cw: US politics)
the US General Election happened and went poorly. We were both rather upset and emotionally raw as it became more and more clear who had won.
I needed comfort and so did she, so I invited her and Clover to come visit my house for a few days. She came over and brought stuff to stay for a few days. Things went very well, and a few days turned into weeks and trips back to get more stuff; weeks turned into moving in, and I’m so very happy that she’s living with me now.

In our dynamic, she’s my little girl and I’m her Mommy. That means that I take care of her and let her and encourage her to be little. I baby her and make sure she feels and knows how little she is, regularly. She trained herself to be incontinent long before I met her, so she wears diapers all the time. This just reinforces her status as an age-regressed little girl. As her Mommy, I change her, I make sure she’s eating good food and drinking plenty of water, I read her bedtime stories and tuck her into bed, and I make sure she has play time to forget about being an adult if only for a bit.

Taking care of her gives me a deep sense of fulfillment and joy. Seeing her thriving and seeing positive changes and growth (personal, not age — she’s more little now than ever) is so rewarding. I’m proud of her when she does well and follows her rules, when she makes good decisions, when she talks to me about her emotions, when she stops worrying about things and just trusts that I’ll take care of it, when she is able to put down her work at the end of the work day and not overwork herself, and when she’s such a good girl for me.

We’ve gone to several kink events together — we both really enjoy going to littles events, and our local littles group thinks we’re so very cute together. It is so nice being able to go to these events together. We’ve also gone to kink parties and conventions and she loves impact play and being shown off at these events, and I love showing her off at these events, too. I also like showing off my skills as an impact top at these events.

At one event, we both dressed up as littles, but I ended up — still dressed fully as a little — doing a rather public impact scene with her where I left some quite wonderful marks on her butt. She really enjoyed the impact play, but also really enjoyed being watched while she was being spanked. I enjoyed interacting with and showing off to the gathered crowd while I spanked her, and I even got thanked for putting on a show afterward by some of the people in the crowd.

At another, smaller event, I tied her up and had an impact scene with her, and afterward, someone else asked me if I would demo some of my impact toys on them, and that turned into a fun mini-scene of its own. It was nice to have someone else enjoy a scene enough to ask me for some impact play, and it was really nice to hear how much they enjoyed it afterward.

She loves rope and getting tied up and I’ve been learning how to tie ropes on her. I’m still a bit inexperienced — especially when compared to people who have been doing this for a while — but I’ve been getting a lot better. It’s really nice to be able to practice on someone who really enjoys being tied up and it’s rewarding to see how much my rope craft has improved — especially when comparing photos of more recent ties to past ones.

There’s not really a good way to conclude this post. I love and cherish my partners and the friends I’ve made in my journey in discovering myself and what is important to me. Self-discovery journeys are never complete, and I look forward to what the future holds for me and the discoveries I’ve still yet to make.